My Shift Recognized

“You are what you love, not what loves you…”  ~Kyle Cease

My shift started 12 years ago.  I didn’t realize that inner peace and happiness were going to be the outcome.

I read Eckart Tollé, A New Earth.  In that teaching I began to understand that I’m responsible for all that I experience.

It didn’t happen overnight. I was searching for connection and acceptance at first.  I started a couple blogs that turned out to be for me.  I thought I was going to change the world with how I wanted things to be.

First was  I wanted people on the street and in their cars to wave at each other and connect.  Turns out I wanted them to wave at ME.  Long story short, I was the one not waving or connecting or even looking at people!  I shifted from wanting others to change to fit my wants to ME changing to fit MY wants.  I took responsibility for my experience.

Next was  I wanted people to drive nicer!  While it was a noble want, once again it was ME that needed to change.  This one was one of the bigger turning points for the rest of life because it taught me to give. Instead of “taking” my personal driving space around me, I “gave” it to others.  “I” was the one that needed to Drive With Heart.  I took responsibility for my experience.

Are you seeing the shift?  Instead of wanting others around me to change, I did the changing. Instead of blaming others for what I didn’t like,  I took responsibility for my experience.

Now the shift is honing in on more and more experiences. My language is changing.  Instead of saying “I have a daughter”, I’m saying “I’m a father”.  Instead of saying “I miss you”, I say “I’m looking forward to seeing you again”. I’m stating what “I” am not what I want “you” to be.

The suffering was in that resistance to wanting you to change to fit my perfect view.  In writing this the way I am, I’m trying to share MY experience and give you the guidance to find your “self”.  I’ve been to the place of being the victim.  How things were always happening TO me.  This shift was how I got out of the mindset that everybody else was cold and not waving at me, cutting me off in traffic and ruining my day. This is to show you that the other side of victim is not only possible, but necessary.  Necessary to live peacefully and happy.

It’s a 180 degree shift to get here.  It’s a shift from you to me.  From making it happen to be-ing.

The “results” are the “out”.  The “you” is the “in”.

When I work on the “me”, I’m working from in to out.

When I work on the “results”, I’m working from out to in.  In other words, I’m trying to make the out change to make me happy, which is way harder than changing me and accepting what I can’t change “out there”.

If you’re trying to change your husband to be what’s in your head of what the best husband should be, you drive him crazy and you’ll create plenty of suffering for yourself.  If you accept what he is for what he is instead of what he’s not, your suffering goes away.  Your attitude changes.  He might see these changes in you and feel more himself.  His self might be more happy.  You might like to see him more happy.

If you’re trying to change your kid to be what the best kid you think they should be…
If you’re trying to change your whatever…

I Care For Your Well-Being

I believe I’ve found a universal truth.  This phrase, “I care for your well-being”.  I’m also going to leap to the most bold statement I’ve made in my life up to this point. This phrase is at the core of World Peace. I’ll wander a little and get back to the World Peace part.

: the state of being happy, healthy, or successful

Who is “I” and who is “You(r)”

When Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi said, “be the change you wish to see in the world”, I believe he was talking about this concept.  The “I” is our own being and the “You” is your material body. By changing yourself and getting to the state of well-being, you are now full, happy, healthy and feel complete.  Sort of part one.  Part two is that you’ve reached this state of well-being. You have enough to care about other’s well-being. We call this love.

When you’ve reached well-being, you can also care for other “things” of this world, nature, for example.  You’re in a state of well-being and can care for the well-being of the plants, animals and whole of the environment.

When I speak of “care” for others, it signifies an intention. Intention is key to understand. I believe everybody carries this intention of care. What I understand is that everybody is caring, even the worst people you can think of.

Here’s the thing about the worst people. They don’t feel that anyone cares about them, so they have to do it for themselves. They have their self interest in mind over anything else. And that’s caring. It’s our judgement against them as they haven’t shown us their care. We revolt over it. But it’s a downward spiral. They don’t get the care, so they inwardly care for themselves, they don’t show care towards others, so we don’t show care and on and on until it gets to a point we DO care! We care that we don’t want them to do that. Wait, now we care.  Wait, now they care? They think, “great, I’ll do more of that!” Even in the worst people we care.

The “worst” people want to know we care about their well-being.  How do we do that?  We take care of ourselves first (see Ghandi) then we show, tell, shout, whisper, that we care. Our intention is to understand. Understanding is a prevailing current of love and peace if Elvis Costello has anything to say about it (Peace, Love and Understanding, 1979).

Hey you, the one who feels like no one cares and the whole world “is out to get you”; your well-being is cared for. Imagine how many things are conspiring to work in your favor? Let’s start at the beginning. You beat the odds in the pre-womb uterus.  Tl;dr: 1 in 102,685,000  .  How big is that number? For comparison, this is how many atoms there are that make up earth 1050. You’re a freaking miracle! How about you picked a time on Earth to live like now? Are you running from large animals that want to eat you? I could go deep as to all the things that are exactly perfect for you right now, but let’s go with the Earth, Mother Nature and all the living things here are here for you to live perfectly well for quite a few decades.

All the people you never knew who lived before you cared about your well-being. They cared that you had shelter. They cared you have clean water to drink.   They cared your life was made easier by all the inventions that came out of their existence. They all cared about your well-being.

Because you’re reading this, you’re already more aware of caring. You may care outwardly more than before. That’s a quantum leap my friend.

Let’s back the lens all the way out to the universe view. Look at all this care that’s here for you. This is where some of us ponder the existence of a higher power. A God, a Source, Universe, Mother Nature, Infinite I, the unknown, The Force, something. This “thing” cares about your well-being.

Think about the minimum you could ask for? Being alive. By the standard of being dead, that’s well-being!

What about World Peace? As this gets shared and spreads, more people will become aware of their well-being. When we then look at ourselves as a miracle we can know that everybody else is a miracle. This is an upward spiral. The unawareness of this concept is the cause of all conflict. Maybe we’re supposed to have this conflict to reflect bring light to this?  Maybe this is the time of the great enlightenment? What are you going to do? Maybe this is my  thing to focus on? Maybe I’m a translator of Ghandi or Elvis Costello or John Lennon or my Mom?

This is the feeling I’ve always had toward others.  I care about your well-being.  This is why I’m typing these words.  This is why I think about you when you struggle. I’ve come to learn I can’t change you by showing, telling or yelling at you to change.  I type these letters to inspire you. That’s why I’m listening to Ghandi’s words, I’m being the change I wish to see in the world and I care about your well-being.

I haven’t asked you for anything in these words. I want you to know something though…

High Profile Death

High Profile Death

As of this writing, there has been quite a bit of high profile “celebrities” passing on. Dying, that is.

Dave Bowie. Alan Rickman. Glenn Frey. Scott Weiland. Meadowlark Lemon.

Photo Credit: John Griffin
Photo Credit: John Griffin

I haven’t been sad about all this. Quite the opposite. Gracious for their inspiration really. Brilliant lights who help us see.

I’ll leave this here from Alan Watts about the “disease” of dying. The disease seems to be in our own heads.

There’s also a nice benefit of realization about children growing up and our resistance to that.

Spooky action at a distance, quarks, gravity, spirit manifestation, you know…a little light reading.

I’ve been getting info/thought/channeling about the little things lately.  You know, those funny smallest things humans can measure…quarks.

I’m not trained whatsoever in theoretical physics, but I have a healthy curiosity about how things work.  I’ve been entertained by the likes of Neil deGrasse Tyson on the physical realm of things and many others on the theoretical spiritual side of things about thought energy and notions like the Akashic Field.

Everybody seems to be coming together over what “our” world looks like and what it’s made up of…energy.  And to break it down to the “building blocks” or principles of it all “quarks“.  Maybe even more basic than that??

I’ve been noticing our common connection in this world (and the world “we” can see) is that every piece of energy we can witness is programmed (or compelled to) ascension.  Whether it be a plant, baby horse, religion, job skills, whatever, we are urged to “ascend”.  To move to a higher level or to expand.  Whether in this life or planning for your next (only?) afterlife.  We strive.  We go upwards.

We have a thing we’ve defined and discovered called gravity.  We resist it.  We move in opposition of it to grow, learn, struggle.  Why?

The stream of consciousness came during a restorative yoga.  I tried to break down the concept of why gravity is what it is.  What causes it?  I got down to the smallest thing of the quark.  Does gravity affect quarks or do quarks “make” gravity?  In this article (which I don’t claim accuracy, it’s still a stream of thought) about Quarks, Wormholes and Gravity it speaks of possible connections of Quantum Entanglement and gravity.

Quantum Entanglement speaks of a quark having an equal and perhaps opposite quark existing.  When one moves, the other moves as well, as my basic understanding in the opposite.

Some of us think (some know) that there is this spiritual energy “out there”.  A higher power, a higher self, God, the Universe, and many other names.  Synchronicity happens, some see ghosts, some see angels, mysterious things that can’t be explained by our understandings happen, and those “damned facts“.

This energy I’m believing are either quarks themselves or a mixture of quarks moving in concert with us and the things around us.  I’m picturing us as being this manifestation of these uncountable and perhaps infinite amount of quarks focusing their collective energy in the field about/around us to combine in us a physical form that we know.  And that this “world” we live in has been formed in this way to help “teach” us to ascend.  We’re supposed to experience gravity by the focused efforts of the universe to nudge us to grow or create or generate that which opposes gravity.

I had this picture of all these opposite quarks forming me in an alternate universe when it hit me that all my little quarks didn’t have to be in one place in that “other universe”.  I don’t have this body “out there”.  They could be spread out all over the place!  But they all must be able to communicate in unison for me to exist in this form.  This would begin to explain many of the unexplained phenomena when we “can’t believe our eyes”.  Maybe the person/human/whatever here can work together with their alternate quarks to change reality as we know it?

Can this concept help us understand the fabric of the universe as we think we know it?  Can we find the other quarks?  Why is the Gravitational Force  the weakest of the Four Forces?  Can this help explain where the opposite of gravity is located and why?  Can we use this to explain why there is a specific distance from all quarks where the gravitational force stops having an effect?

Light reading over…for today.  🙂

Update April 20, 2016:

Remember I have no theoretical physics or spiritual training other than experience and “connecting the dots” sort of curiosity research.  I came across John Hagelin, Ph.D some time ago while watching “What the Bleep Do We Know” and more recently with his talk about the Unified Field and Consciousness.  Blown away at the graphic during this talk that has gravity as the force that separates the unseen and the seen.  If you’d like to continue following my journey (thoughts) on this topic, add this talk to your list.


I liked my hangover today…

First of all, I liked my hangover because I had a really good time getting it last night!  But today I liked it because I got to learn a lesson from it.  Like anything in our human experience, we go from low to high to low to medium levels of flow/energy/emotions or whatever you want to call it.  Last night I got to get the high point sharing live music with some good new friends and today I got the low point with a nice little fog of brain shrouding and body aches.

I’ve been reading “Ask and it is Given” by Abraham-Ester Hicks and Jerry Hicks.  It’s about aligning what I’m “feeling” to help me through my life.  Listening to my “gut” feelings, so to speak.  It’s far more technical than that so if it resonates with you, pick it up to learn more.  I’ll be happy to talk to you about what I’ve learned.

In the book there’s a section about how to identify where I’m at on an “emotional” scale and an easy way to “turn my frown upside down”.

Here’s the list:

  1. Joy/Knowledge/Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation
  2. Passion
  3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
  4. Positive Expectation/Belief
  5. Optimism
  6. Hopefulness
  7. Contentment
  8. Boredom
  9. Pessimism
  10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
  11. “Overwhelment”
  12. Disappointment
  13. Doubt
  14. Worry
  15. Blame
  16. Discouragement
  17. Anger
  18. Revenge
  19. Hatred/Rage
  20. Jealousy
  21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
  22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

I was trying to buy tickets to the Foo Fighters as soon as the they went on sale at 10am.  It was going great for the first 30 seconds.  I got two amazing seats in just the right sweet spot!  Then BAM!  The site got overwhelmed and Ticketmaster’s load balancing system took over.  “We’re sorry, we’re experiencing an extremely high volume traffic right now.  We need to turn off the interactive seat map and any tickets that you may have in your cart will be returned to the general pool of “best available tickets”.  AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!  Whoa I was at #19 on the list pretty damn quick!!  And on down to #22 with Greif/Depression/Despair and Powerlessness.  🙁

That “mood” stayed around too!  I bounced around the bottom 1/2 for a while when somehow, out of nowhere, I ask myself what am I feeling RIGHT NOW?  As soon as I turned my attention to my feeling something amazing happened.  I giggled.  Just by THINKING about where I was, I automatically realized that “I” was in control of this.  That giggle turned into an infectious belly laugh that brought me right up the list.  I didn’t get all the way up in that moment but I moved the needle.  And that’s the point of the lesson I was given.

Just move the needle.

Here’s where it gets interesting.  I got out of my hole.  But I started thinking about others in their hole.  Their hole will look different than mine.  For example, when I see people in a state of hatred or rage, that is a better state than Unworthiness or Despair.  They’re ok!  They’re above the bottom!  I can have compassion for that emotion now.  I also realized that they might get Angry to get feeling better.  They might even calm down out of that and move up to Frustration.  They might even be open to Contentment?  They might see a cute kitten video on the internet now and bump up into Happiness for a bit?!!

My Belief/Positive Expectation is why I’m “feeling” this Enthusiasm/Eagerness to write a post about helping someone see that Anger is ok today.  Also that Jealousy is an ok thing to feel right now.  But to know that living in Joy/Freedom and Love you will need to move the needle “toward” the top.

The great news is that all you have to do is move one step higher.  I hope to see you at the top < 3

I said I would never get a tattoo…

…then I asked someone about their tattoo.

Tattoos have been around for centuries and imprinted for various reasons.  In my experience, in the US they seem to be a way to tell a story.

I was in a conference in the spring of 2014 when I noticed a young woman in front of me with a 3/4 arm length tattoo.  The season was still less than temperate, but she wore a sleeveless shirt as if this body of ink needed to speak.

Her tattoo pictures are here, Bring Some Color…

I posted this:

Brian Kruse:
I didn’t meet you but you inspired me with your colorful tattoo! It hit me that the tattoo most people carry around is a story waiting to be told. I never got into a space to ask you but if you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to hear your story of what’s going on there.

Kyla Roma:
▶ Short story: It’s my version of a family tree, and each of the three birds represents a part of my family and their story.

▶ Longer Story: I have an anxiety disorder and depression, and in my early 20’s they became debilitating… (continued in image)

Some people have public tattoos and some have private tattoos.  I’m convinced that based on placement, these are stories that are sought to be shared loudly or quietly or only for oneself.

Around this time I had been awakening to a larger world,  a larger universe.  The more I learned, the more I didn’t know.  I was searching for those elusive existential answers.

Why am I alive?
What am I doing here?
What’s my purpose?

Finally through attending a few conferences, reading hundreds of web pages, speaking with new deeply connected friends, I found I could distill it down to one thing and one thing only.  And I wrote this down:

What I really care about is Love
It’s the expanding feeling that I’m beginning to explore Love.  Giving by “self”
unconditionally with no expectations of anything
in return.  Discovering the power in this
and trusting the process.

The process has had it’s setbacks, but I found that if I’m reminded of Love and what it means, I get back on the path.

So the tattoo has to be about Love!  But there’s going to be more to my tattoo than just the word love.  I want it to be semi-public.  I want the tattoo for me.  It’s going to be my reminder.  And it’s also is going to be an accountability symbol.  And it needs to be a landmark of the time the concept evolved.  Here’s the list.

Location: I had just transformed my mental and physical health.  I had changed some fundamental things about my food consumption/procurement and added supplements.  I had been growing a nice little basal cell carcinoma on my right forearm for about 2 years.  When I changed these mental and physical shortcomings, it disappeared in 3 months.  Right forearm over the healed cancer location.

What:  I had this figured out while attending TEDpdx 2014.  The speaker was talking about how “your story hasn’t been written yet”.  I knew I wanted “a” tattoo and this would help me tell a story.  Other speakers spoke of giving, letting others go first, being humble, and being courageous.  Courageous comes from the French word coeur denoting the ability to do something difficult that comes from the heart.  Heart!  Love!  Got it.  It’s going to be a heart. I’ve been in electronics my whole life and now mostly on the Internet so there I’ve got my heart and shape.  <3

Font:  There are a bazillion fonts out there and I knew there would be some kind of variety that would make this thing unique to me in the manner I wanted it to convey.  Ariel, too straight.  Comic sans, puleeeze no (Hi Marcus!), Script something, too feminine (I know, as if a heart could not be, but you’ll see, it holds up!).  I opened up my graphics program to “see” all of them, but nothing stands out and in fact they begin to blur.  I try Google, they’ve got Google fonts.  First damn one I see!  Perfect by how it looks and OH MY the meaning all comes together.  Ubuntu.  Roughly translated from Southern Africa philosophy is “Human Kindness”.  It is an idea from the Southern African region which means literally “human-ness,” and is often translated as “humanity toward others,” but is often used in a more philosophical sense to mean “the belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity”.  Wikipedia  It was also the founding principle for the development of the famous and popular Open Sourced operating system derived from Linux.  If you look closely, you’ll notice that the font on this site is Ubuntu and I intend to use that font as much as possible.

How big is would it be?  47 pixels.  I was 47 when the cancer went away.


On my path, I’ll get to look at this everyday and keep my focus on what I believe to be the meaning of life, of why we’re here, and what my purpose is.  Love.  <3

No one will be there to hear you complain

Short version:
No one will be there to hear you complain.

Long version:
My calves were starting to talk to me around mile 11 during my favorite hike up Eagle Creek. This after a super high energy night of bouncing with a bunch of 20 somethings enjoying all that is Con Bro Chill from the right side of the stage.  But I’m by myself, who’s going to listen to my pain?

As I descend further, my left knee starts talking to me too,  quite a bit louder than the calves.  This is a sharp, pointed, stabbing feeling that’s going to stay with me for the next 2 miles.  Who’s going to listen to my pain for the next 45 minutes as my pace slows.IMG_2906

I love how these moments alone bring me lessons I need to learn. Because I clearly didn’t get the message before when I was with someone to complain to.
I begin reflecting on times when I was with a couple different girlfriends whom I had been comfortable enough with to mention that I tended to comment (complain) a bit on my state of health moment by moment.  …this cough has been bugging me.  …my wrist feels like there’s something wrong with it. …my back is really tight today.

The hard truth hits me:
No one will be there to hear me complain.
And it’s come true in that moment for me.
I’m hiking alone.

My lesson gets expanded.  I continue thinking about all complaining, not just physical.  I thought about other people, situations out of my control, Facebook, quality of food.  No one wants to hear about my complaints.  They will out of compassion, but they will eventually be too exhausted to give me that energy over time and disengage with me.

So, what’s the solution?  Not talk?  In my moment in nature on this sweet day of a crisp fall in my beautiful NW full of waterfalls, moss, giant douglas fir and hemlock that surrounds me, I find gratitude.

Gratitude is the opposite of complaining.

And in fact in that new moment my pain subsides a bit closer to normal.  It stays with me still as a reminder to stay present in that thought of gratitude, but it doesn’t punish me now.  The last 2 miles turns into a gratitude-fest.  I was grateful before but it would ebb and flow on my attention that took me out of the forest and into my thoughts of other worlds.  I’m not only grateful about what was filling my eyes, ears and lungs, but I appreciated the very fact that I’m able to hike 14 miles.  For if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be able to see these marvels that fill my viewfinder.  I’m reminded by what I’m wearing.  I wouldn’t be able to come to these places without my waterproof hiking boots, breathable rain gear, layers of dry-fit, and wool socks.  I’m grateful for all these things now and it expands.IMG_2965

My lesson concludes with the realization that if I focus on the pain, I’m narrowing my view to that one point.  I’m looking so close at that one point, that all else falls away. But if I look “from” that point, my view expands.  My whole existence expands and I feel full of gratitude.


Robin Williams was the guy who danced like no one was watching

That’s why we miss him.
Not because we’re sad about the struggles that he lost at. Like the underdog. It’s a part but not why we’re deeply saddened.
Robin Williams was the guy who
He was the comic who was spewing funny anytime his mouth opened. Why? Because he didn’t give a shit what you thought of what was coming out. He was a full blooming comic flower!  Larger than any other flower. More colorful than any other. More nectar than any other and we were his bees, his flower lover.
For any pain you feel, look inward.  Ask yourself, why is this pain?  We miss this guy.  Almost to a person, my Facebook feed was filled with pain, grief, sadness.  It was too late to live through Robin any longer.  And we’re going to miss it.
“It”.  That “it” was how we saw Robin.  How we watched him blossom into pure human energy.  He delivered faster than we could take it in.  He just flowed.  His energy was magic.
His lesson to us is to allow yourself to be Robin.  In your own way.  Go and bloom!  You’re not a comic like Robin, that was HIS dharma.  We’re saddened because we admired him for his purpose and that was dead on his purpose!  He was an example of how to live your life…to the fullest.
Sure he got caught in a place he couldn’t escape.  We can’t be sure what was going on, nor should we be too concerned.  Somehow this was his path.  And his path just crossed ours in a powerful way.
Remember Robin on your path.  Go bloom!   < 3

Love thy plants…metaphorical lessons of love

You know you need to take care of your plants, fish, dogs, cats, whatever or they’re going to wither away or worse perish.

I’m learning that it applies to the people in my life and they are similar.

It comes from Deepak Chopra’s concept within the “Seven Spiritual Laws” about Attention and Desire (and the subset of Intention).

Whatever you put your attention on will

“Whatever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life.  Whatever you take your attention away from will wither, disintegrate, and disappear.”

When you focus your attention on an object, person or goal, you’re orchestrating a stream of events to bring about an intended outcome.  Attention starts the process.

I’ve loved these “slower” entities for much of my life.  Only recently am I catching up in “real time” to allow myself to Be Love to all you upright conscious souls!  Be patience with me, I’m learning.  I’ve loved cats by being a provider of food and petting them where ever and whenever they desired.  I’ve loved fish by consistently feeding them, changing their water and cleaning their tank.  I’ve loved plants, grass, trees, inanimate objects like roofs, driveways, boats, cars, etc.  Most people in my life would say I take pretty good care of the “things” around me.

I’m learning that when I decide to grow a garden, that’s my first step toward my intended outcome of being nourished.  Then, all the steps begin to fall into place.  Where am I going to locate these plants?  How did I decide that was a good place?  Is it a sunny location?  Can I get to it easily?  With people, this might look like my circle of friends and family or maybe the world as a whole?

How big will my garden of people look like?  If it’s too small, I won’t get the nourishment I need to be full.  If it’s too large, I won’t be able to pay enough attention to it all.  And I’ll lose touch with the field.

But what if….what if by me having a garden that’s just the right size for me that others decide they’re going to have a garden that’s just the right size for them…

What if I could show you how to prepare your soil so that it’s ready to accept the seeds and those seeds of ideas could sprout.  Those ideas could be your hopes and dreams.  Maybe by planting an array of seeds of unknown origin, you could find which plants grows the best in your garden?  And by putting your attention toward those plants that do best with you, you could meet your potential to show the world?  By growing your best plants you nourish someone else?!  They see your garden, and you both get nourished.  And it continues.

Attention is Love.

For me, I feel like I’ve just recently planted my seeds of people and they’re beginning to sprout.  I plan on paying attention with the intention of Love, just like before but to this higher level.  My intention is that my attention will help others realize their higher purpose while in this realm.  And maybe that’s the whole idea of living?

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